Up until about three weeks ago, we had a Star of David prominently displayed on the front of our house by our front door. (A picture of it is in this post.) I’m Jewish, my husband is in the process of converting to Judaism – I’m proud of our Jewish home. But three weeks ago, something very disturbing happened and it was a reminder that I’m in a very different place from where I once was.
I think that if I was granted a wish, it would be that, for just one day, I could feel normal. To wake up gradually, easing myself into consciousness. Once I was wide awake, I’d be able to roll out of bed, maybe have a cup of tea, and relax. I’d think about what faced me in the day ahead, but that’s all they would be – simple thoughts. They wouldn’t bombard me from the second I wake up. My chest wouldn’t burn. My heart wouldn’t pound. I wouldn’t gasp for air, the bile at the back of my throat scalding me. My mind wouldn’t race with uncontrolled worries about what I was facing that day with work, with my family, or any other minor aspect of my life.
I have a mental illness. It’s not something I talk about very often, but it’s with me every second of the day. Continue reading “A half-life”