Family

Three weeks, one day

Three weeks, one day.

These days, I measure the passage of time based on my father’s passing. In these subsequent 22 days since his death, grief has taken its place in my life like a shadow. My only real reprieve is for a few hours of work each day when I’m so immersed in the crazy world of employee relations that I can compartmentalize my pain.

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Family

I’ll never feel normal again

My dad holding newborn me in late 1978.

My dad died nine days ago after having suffered a massive stroke two days prior. He died in a hospital in southeastern Indiana while my connecting flight was sitting on the tarmac in Salt Lake City, getting ready to take off for Indianapolis.

I didn’t get to say goodbye.

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Holidays

Holidays that were

When November rolls around every year, there are always two dates on the calendar that matter – my birthday and Thanksgiving.  The first grows less significant each year as I reach the age where I start to pretend that I don’t have birthdays at all.  The latter, which is a holiday that’s supposed to be filled with gratitude and love and familial closeness, leaves me empty.

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About me

1 year

It’s been a year, Kyle, since I kissed you on the head for the last time and watched as you drifted into a peaceful death.  I know that you’re finally free from pain but a year later, I’m definitely not.  Our family isn’t the same without you, buddy, and I’d give anything to have you back.  I know I can’t, though, so I have to deal with the pain and trudge on.  You were the most wonderful companion and I hope I did right by you.  I hope you knew I loved you right until your very last breath.  I’m sorry I didn’t know how sick you were sooner.  A year later, I realize that I was in denial.  I refused to accept that my Kyle, my baby boy, my shadow for the past 13 years wasn’t doing well.  In the end, I know that we couldn’t have stopped the cancer and that it was your time to leave me but it doesn’t make the hurting any less acute.  I’ve shed many tears, and I’ll shed many more in the years to come because you’re gone.

21Dec (44)

05Jan (9)

Kyle vs toy 008

Kyle1