Disconnecting to connect

Spending an afternoon with my grandparents is like falling into a time warp.  For one, they live in the middle of flat Indiana farmland, their house butting up against a thick stand of trees.  There’s no T-Mobile coverage out there, that’s for sure.  They also wouldn’t dream of owning a computer and the neighbors are far enough away that the hijacking of an unprotected wireless network is an impossibility.  Emails don’t come in, calls won’t go out, text messages won’t even send.  In a word, when I’m at my grandparents’ house, I’m simply disconnected.

At first, I’m fidgety.  I’ll check my phone a hundred times, willing emails to magically come through.  That lasts about a half hour before I finally give in to the inevitable – I’m not going to be able to connect with the outside world as long as I’m inside those brick walls.  It’s at that point that I get up from their dining room table (which is the center of all family gatherings), go into the living room, and slide my phone into my purse.  My eyes move over their ancient Zenith TV, which I know will come on later, after everyone leaves, so that they can watch their favorite shows on the RFD channel.  Once I drop back into the chair, I’m now more relaxed.  No internet means no distractions.  This is the point when the conversation actually starts.

Mamaw and Papaw were both born in 1934.  They survived the Depression, then entered their formative years while the entire world was at war.  They were both insulated from it, of course, growing up on farms in central Indiana, but they still have stories of rationing, of family members who went off to war, of the way things used to be. As they talk and as I ask them questions, I get lost in their world – the world of their past, but one of which is unceasingly fascinating to me.  Before I know it, two or three hours have passed.

This was such the case on Saturday.  As I’m in the preparation stage of my World War II-era novel, it has become startlingly clear that if I want to ensure that my manuscript feels authentic, they are the people I need to spend time with.  They remember shortages of sugar and coffee, of how they felt when someone they knew went to war but didn’t come home, and how it was to only get bits and pieces of news.  Researching those experiences teaches me a lot, yeah.  But hearing about them first hand, having the opportunity to wrap my head around the emotions intertwined with those experiences – that stuff is far more powerful than any web query done in the name of research.

I’ve made plans to go back out to their house and ask a lot of questions.  Most of these questions have never been broached by anyone in our family, so in a sense, I’m going to be recording family history.  I want to know everything – from their earliest memories to their lives on their farms to how they met and fell in love.  I want to hear any and all of their recollection of the war years – what it felt like, how they endured shortages and worry, and how it changed them.  I’m so lucky at my age to have them in my life still and I need to take advantage of it before anymore time passes.

Still though, I know I’ll deal with the anxiety of being disconnected from modern society when I’m there.  It happens every time, and my reaction is worse now, thanks to the invention of smartphones and tablet devices.  I’m always, always connected.  The question, though, is connected to what?  Human connection with these people, who are absolute treasures, are worth having to wait a few hours to answer a text message or respond to an email.  I’m wondering if frequent disconnection won’t help me connect to the world around me, and my writing, more.  If that’s the case, I’m game.

Somebody that I Used to Know

About two years ago, I lost touch with someone very near and dear to myself: me. Up until that fateful day, I could be found toiling away in my house, creating new recipes, cooking things from scratch, and sewing by hand. I collected aprons, Depression glass, and old time radio shows. Then, I turned a corner. In some ways, it was fantastic. In others, though, it was detrimental.

See, two and a half years ago, I published my first fanfiction story. It was the first time that anyone had read my writing (outside of blogging) and the absolute first time that anyone had ever read any work of fiction by me. I did it because I loved to write, believed that I had a skill for it, and wanted to try it out. As it turned out, the community for which I wrote the stories was very receptive, loved my stories, and wanted more. Because I have an addictive personality, I threw myself into fic writing. Now, I have over 800,000 words of fic archived on fanfiction.net and when I look in the mirror, I don’t know who the hell I am anymore. Don’t get me wrong – sharing my fiction was wonderful because I realized that maybe I really did have a talent for turning words into stories that both captivated and touched the reader. Had I never published that first story, I’d still be wondering. The problem is that when you write fanfiction, you normally get involved in the fandom of the show/movie/book you’re writing fic for. And getting involved in the fandom is the problem, at least for me. (If you’ve never been involved in a fandom – let me explain it simply. “Fandom” is when you get really worked up about the most trivial and pointless of things regarding the show/movie/book that you love.) I have opinions on everything and everyone and I don’t like it. I don’t like the fact that I get irritated by people I’ve never spoken to, other than in a Tumblr ask box or on Twitter. I really don’t like the fact that I’ve literally become addicted to writing two characters. A novelist has to move on from her characters when it’s time to focus on the next story. I struggle with saying goodbye to this couple that I’ve spent so long writing, falling out of “love” with them in a way, and moving on. And the thing is, I want to move on. I have two gorgeous characters (okay, actually 8 total, but I’m only focusing on two) waiting in the wings and their story deserves to be told. And the best part of all of it is that they’re ALL mine! No Hollywood conglomerate owns these two characters; they are completely my creation. They are beautiful and flawed and they have a strong story to tell – I just have to tell it.

So all of that brings me back to my first thought – reconnecting with myself. I have to flush fandom and those characters that I don’t own out of my head. I have to get up from my desk, log off Twitter and Tumblr, and do the things I used to do. It’s only once I shut off those influences that I’ll be able to dim the voices that have lived in my head for so long and let two others begin to speak loud and clear. That might mean picking up my yo-yo quilt for the first time in two years, or focusing on that unfinished cross-stitch picture. I have to reconnect with the person I used to be in order to move forward. It feels like a bit of self-detox and it’s highly challenging, but it’s my reality and what I’m ready to tackle. This past weekend, my husband and I did a few things around the house that allowed me to feel like the old Rachel, the one not chained to her laptop. It was nice. I actually like that woman. I need to let her shine through more because she has a fantastic story to tell. She just needs a little push in the right direction.

…wait…who are you?

I have a serious problem.

I don’t know my characters. At all. I’m working on some of my very earliest scenes of my novel and the interactions and the dialogue just feels so…wooden.  I’ve sketched out their basic personalities but I now realize that I have a lot more still do to.  This week, instead of focusing on plot development, I intend to jot down every tiny little thing about them that pops into my head – likes, dislikes, memories, past experiences, regrets, hopes, etc.  I have to make them feel more three-dimensional than they do right now in order to write them the way that they deserve.

This “writing a book” thing is exhausting!